I know, I know.... it's been a while!

Ok so I have come to realize some things since the last time I posted...

1) I must keep blogging! Knowing that I must tell you (whoever is reading this) everything I eat definitely gives me that accountability factor that I know I need. If I commit to daily posts, I know it will prevent me from eating things I otherwise eat in 'secret'.

Last week for three days I was in training for my new job downtown at Methodist Hospital.  I didn't know any of those people and would likely never see them again. I don't know if that had something to do with why I let myself eat: a big bag of chocolate covered almonds (more chocolate than almond), a giant brownie (with chocolate chips), AND a big white chocolate macadamia nut cookie (that was Day 1). Or why on day 3 I went to the vending machine with the sole intention of buying a giant bag of Reese's Pieces and eating the whole bag. BUT...I guarantee that had I intended to blog those days, I would not have eaten any of it.

2) I must live (and eat) by a schedule. When I'm off of a routine, I just eat crappy. Maybe not 100% of the time...but enough to make a HUGE difference in my body. I may not do well on a very strict "diet" that doesn't allow for fluctuation, but I also don't do well with no structure at all.  (Like mother like son I suppose!)

Now that I am on my third-shift rotation, done with training, and my classes are set, I know my schedule (crazy yet consistent) and I can plan my eating/fasting schedule accordingly.

3) This isn't something that I've only recently realized...I've known for a while, but has been reiterated to me during my time off from work. I am an addict. To many things.  I have an addictive personality.  I was a smoker for 16 years. I have a major junk food addiction.  Maybe a food addiction in general.  I am a workout-addict. When I clean, once I start, I can't stop. With my job, or learning choreography, I am a perfectionist; I want to know it inside and out. I'm all or nothing. That's why intermittent fasting works for me. When we have get-togethers, be it Thursday nights or family gatherings, I can't stop eating. When I drink, I more often than not drink WAY too much.

I am so tired of this cycle.  I know my strengths and weaknesses. I am aware of how crazy I probably seem to those of you who hear me say the same things over and over, yet still repeat the cycle ever single week.  I recognize, yet I don't know why. Why is it so hard to just NOT eat the things that I know I'm going to beat myself up about later? Why can't I stop at one or two of those little brownies with the frosting...instead of eating 6 of them? (Maybe 8.) I don't know why not.

But I do know that I can't give up and just say 'screw it'! Because there were a lot of things that I thought or said "I can't" do, or "I could never do that" and I DID. 

"I can't give up pop." I did.
"I can't quit smoking." After several attempts, I did.
"I can't lose 70 pounds." I lost 80.
"I can't drive to Kentucky by myself".  I can.
"I'm never going to be happy." I am.
"I can't teach BodyCombat/BodyAttack." I do.

So much of what we do and overcome is in our heads. I know this. I tell people this. I tell myself this.  I found myself thinking about 'The Little Engine That Could' yesterday, and how true that story is.  I do think I can...in fact I know I can.

It's 4:45am and now I'm just rambling.  My point is, I am going to hold myself accountable, and I am going to keep posting. Even if no one is reading.  But for those of you who are, I know there are people out there like me. That struggle. That can relate. And if nothing else, maybe it makes them feel better to know they aren't alone. Never give up.


"I can't get to 140 lbs."  I will.